Tags: 2007 takeover of Gaza, and endorsing honor killings, and were recently planning a second putsch (in the West Bank) and mega-terror attacks until those pesky Israelis foiled our plot, appeasement, attacking Christians (or just using their church to launch rockets), beheading, Caliphate, coup, dead babies, Europe, Gaza’s 2006 election, giving homosexuals the death penalty, Hamas, Hamas abduction of Gilad Shalit and sometimes 30 rocket attacks per day on Sderot forced Israel to seal Gazan borders to limit Hamas weapons imports from Iran, Hamas bombs its own people and then blames Israel, Hamas condemned the assassination of Osama Bin Laden, Hamas diverts humanitarian resources for terrorist use while protesting Gaza poverty even as Hamas leadership lives well, Hamas even bombs the crossing and NOBODY cares, Hamas intimidates and deceives the press into promoting its narrative, Hamas offends every rule of decency, Hamas requests cease-fires and then violating them, Hamas shares core values of ISIS, Hamas teaches children to worship death and uses child soldiers, Hamas threw political opponents off rooftops, Hamas uses cease-fires to rearm (rather than rebuild) while executing its domestic critics and tunnel-diggers, Hamas uses child labor to build terror tunnels and killed about 160 in the process, Hamas uses clinics schools mosques and charities to gain legitimacy and inculcate the values of jihadi terror, Hamas uses hospitals and ambulances for military purposes, hateful incitement against religious minorities, human rights, human shields, ISIS, Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, Islamist beheading, James Foley beheading, Just show that the people you’re trying to kill have caused baby deaths while defending themselves and you win, letting Islamic morality police govern economic activity, looters ruined thousands of greenhouses that Israel left for Gaza in 2005, media bias, teaching war rather than human rights, terrorism, The ever-shortening attention span fueled by social media relieves everyone of intellectual hassles like historical context or nuanced moral judgment, to skyrocket your international popularity just attack Israel, treating women as second-class citizens, US, use brutality to quell any inconvenient dissent, violent coup, war, when Israel opens the blockade to send Gaza humanitarian aid

Dear Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS),

Our leadership felt bad about all of the tough press you’ve been getting lately and – given our talent for ruining Gaza while enjoying endless love from the media – we thought we’d share some pointers with you.

We’ve been at this Islamist terrorism thing for decades now, so we can offer some helpful tips for your war to establish a Caliphate –a goal we LOVE. After all, if you overrun Jordan, we could even become allied forces in the West Bank, from which we can jointly conquer Israel.

So, during one of our tunnel-side chats, our most seasoned jihadists compiled this list of best practices, in the hope that these suggestions can improve your performance:

1)      If the U.S. ever insists that you participate in elections when there are no democratic traditions or institutions in place, say YES (we won over half of the legislature in Gaza’s 2006 election).

2)      But if power-sharing arrangements eventually cramp your style, try a violent coup. We did that with our 2007 takeover of Gaza, and were recently planning a second putsch (in the West Bank) and mega-terror attacks until those pesky Israelis foiled our plot. But gaining and keeping power through violence and fear is KEY. In 2007, we even threw our political opponents off rooftops for good measure. When in doubt, use brutality to quell any inconvenient dissent. Actually, you’re doing just fine on this point – keep it up!

3)      If you’re lucky enough to have peace-loving idealists hoping for your success and giving you income-generating resources, destroy their gifts to solidify your poverty credentials. Looters ruined more than 3,000 greenhouses that Israel left us in 2005 and this strengthened our image as economic victims that much sooner. And we attacked Israel so many times (including our tunnel-assisted abduction of Gilad Shalit and sometimes 30 rocket attacks per day on Sderot) that Israel had to seal Gaza’s borders to limit our weapons imports from Iran. But Israel’s silly desire to limit how we can kill Israelis did wonders for our victimhood because the media forgot all about the cause of the blockade and focused only on the hardship it causes us. It gets better: when Israel opens the blockade to send us humanitarian aid, we even bomb the crossing and NOBODY cares (or wonders if maybe we’re responsible for the blockade or Gazan misery generally). Pretty cool, right?

4)      We use clinics, schools, mosques and charities to gain legitimacy among our people and inculcate them with the values of jihadi terror. Oh wait, you do that too. Good job!

5)      But you should definitely use more human shields to protect yourselves from U.S. airstrikes. We LOVE human shields – they’re cheap and effective. Just remember to tell mourners how you fast-tracked the victims to heaven.

6)      You WANT dead babies. This is HUGE. The ever-shortening attention span fueled by social media is awesome because it relieves everyone of intellectual hassles like historical context, nuanced moral judgment, deeper analysis of cause and effect, etc. Just show that the people you’re trying to kill have caused baby deaths while defending themselves, and you win. It’s that simple.

7)      Another technique that we HIGHLY recommend is offending every rule of decency. That means:

a)      requesting cease-fires and then violating them,

b)      using hospitals and ambulances for military purposes,

c)      bombing your own people and then blaming your enemy (we killed nine Gazans and scared the media into faulting Israel; when an Italian journalist revealed the truth after he was safe from our threats, nobody cared),

d)      using child labor to build your terror tunnels (we killed about 160 in the process and nobody cared),

e)      teaching children to worship death and using child soldiers (props on your great work with kids, ISIS!),

f)       diverting humanitarian resources for terrorist use (we could have built at least seven skyscrapers with the concrete expropriated for our terror tunnels) while protesting your poverty even as your leadership lives well,

g)      intimidating and deceiving the press into promoting your narrative (if they don’t do so on their own, like when the BBC disseminated inaccurate photos of Gaza)

h)      using cease-fires to rearm (rather than rebuild) while executing your domestic critics and your tunnel-diggers.

8)      We also have some positive feedback for you, ISIS. You have impressively excelled at championing our core values! We’re all for: hateful incitement against religious minorities, treating women as second-class citizens and endorsing honor killings, giving homosexuals the death penalty, letting Islamic morality police govern economic activity, teaching war rather than human rights, and attacking Christians (or just using their church to launch rockets). You’re awesome at this stuff!

9)      We condemned the assassination of Osama Bin Laden as much as you aspire to surpass him. But PLEASE stop trying to involve the West (as you did with your threats against Norway, Spain, and especially the US – Obama just pressured Israel into letting us keep our military capabilities, so be nice!). The key here is to complete your domination of the Middle East by first eradicating its only democracy (Israel) and its moderate Arab states. You want to lull Europe and the U.S. into spineless passivity by reinforcing their naïve assumption that we’ll be appeased enough to stop at the Middle East. We need Western “powers” to cower away from our region long enough for Iran to get nuclear weapons. Yes, we know that you, our fellow Sunnis, have a thing against Shiites, but the Iranian regime hates Western infidels as much as we do, so we can all work together in the service of Jihad. Indeed, Iran is our main sponsor (we get our best missiles from them!). And once Iran has nukes, THEN we can go after the EU and U.S. But this game takes patience, guys – not that much because Iran (thanks to Obama’s “strategy”) could have nukes in two months. But until that happens (or you somehow help us to destroy Jordan and Israel beforehand), you really need to chill out on the rhetoric against the West.

10)  If you want to skyrocket your international popularity, you should attack Israel ASAP. You may hear some perfunctory condemnations but you’ll be secretly admired. Better still: compel Israel to defend itself militarily – that’s when you can literally surf a tidal wave of global support. We can’t emphasize enough the importance of having Israel as your opponent — anyone else really won’t do. Why do you think we rarely attack Egypt (which also blockades Gaza)? Because they’d flatten Gaza and nobody would care. Remember Ansar Dine? Our fellow Islamists in Mali were thousands of miles from France, but nobody cared when the French started bombing them in 2013 without any threat against France’s security. To guarantee world support for your Islamist ways, your enemy must be Israel. But DON’T use donkeys (as we do) to blow up Israelis because this will upset the animal-rights group PETA.

Destroying Western civilization is far easier than building it, but still requires a disciplined strategy, so we hope these pointers come in handy. Feel free to get in touch with any questions.

With love and support,

Hamas

Tags: French media distortions of the conflict are so one-sided that they incite Muslims across France to attack Jews and synagogues, Hamas starts unwinnable wars with Israel because the real victory happens when the media predictably side with Palestinians each time, Hamas views any truce as just an opportunity to rearm for our next war against Israel as noted by Hamas spokesman Musheer Al Masri, It’s a bit nervy of Israel to use its border controls to limit Hamas’s ability to rearm and rebuild cross-border attack tunnels, Members of the Mainstream Media, the media disregard the fact that Israel can do nothing to make peace with Hamas, the media downplay how bad Hamas is for Gazans by not reporting on Hamas attacks on the very Israeli power station that provides electricity to 70, the media emphasize the Palestinian death toll without explaining that this figure is based on Hamas reports that are hasty and inflated and that Hamas maximizes that total by using Palestinians to sh, the media fail to acknowledge Israel’s immense restraint, the media focus so much more on Palestinian suffering than anyone else’s, the media glosses over Hamas corruption and vast expenditures on tunnels to attack Israel while ordinary Palestinians grew poorer, the media ignore how Israel chose to sacrifice dozens of IDF soldiers when destroying Hamas tunnels and weapons in densely populated areas like Shejaiya because doing so with airstrikes (which risks n, the media ignore Israelis’ humanitarian folly in providing medical aid to the very terrorists trying to kill them, the media ignore the Hamas attacks that led up to Israel’s military response and generally provide so little context that outsiders think that Israelis kill Palestinians just for fun, the media never call Hamas jihadists even though they persecute Christians, the media never highlight the genocidal intent behind Hamas attacks when mentioning Israel’s “disproportionate” response, world powers are no more capable of ensuring a demilitarized Gaza than they were capable of disarming Hezbollah in south Lebanon

Dear Members of the Mainstream Media,

You’ve been awesome! Everyone knows that we start unwinnable wars with Israel because the real victory happens when you predictably side with us each time. And you’ve been so supportive of our strategy that we really want to acknowledge your helpfulness. In particular, we thank you for:

–Focusing so much more on our suffering than anyone else’s. Nigerians must die in far greater numbers before you take notice, so we’re glad that you value our lives so much more.

-Minimizing your coverage, if any, of our attacks that led up to Israel’s military response and generally providing so little context that outsiders think that Israelis kill Palestinians just for fun. We’re especially grateful to the French media for this. Their distortions of the conflict are so one-sided that they incite Muslims across France to attack Jews and synagogues, and that is welcomed by our anti-Semitic worldview (although, unfortunately, such attacks remind everyone why Jews need a state).

-Emphasizing our civilian death toll without explaining that (1) our casualty reports are hasty and inflated, and (2) we maximize that total by using Palestinians to shield our weapons and by urging them to stay in the very areas that the IDF — in its annoying effort to minimize our civilian deaths — warns Gazans to evacuate.

-Never mentioning the fact that if we could kill millions of Israelis, we would (after all, our charter calls for Israel’s destruction). Just as the 9/11 hijackers made the most of what they had but would have liked to kill far more Americans (for example, with the help of WMD), we too would love to kill far more Israelis. Indeed, we have purposely targeted Israel’s nuclear reactor on several occasions, with that very goal in mind. Fortunately, you never highlight the genocidal intent behind our attacks when mentioning Israel’s “disproportionate” response.

-Never calling us jihadists even though we persecute Christians (like the ISIS, which just compelled Mosul’s Christians to convert to Islam). The forced conversion, expulsion, or murder of Christians and other religious minorities by Islamists has been happening for millennia, as assiduously documented in Crucified Again, but such historical context is thankfully absent from your reporting on our conflict with Israel.

-Downplaying how bad we are for Gazans by not reporting on, for example, our attack on the very Israeli power station that provides electricity to 70,000 Gazans. Thankfully, you also ignored how the Israelis — in their stupid display of goodwill — exposed their workers to the perils of our rockets so that they could restore power to Gaza.

-Minimally reporting on our corruption, unfair wealth, or vast expenditures on tunnels to attack Israel while ordinary Palestinians grew poorer.

-Overlooking how — to maximize Palestinian deaths — we store our missiles in an UNWRA-run school and how, when UNWRA finds out, they just hand us back our missiles.

-Disregarding Arabs who have the courage to critique us — like Dr. Tawfik Hamid, an Islamist-turned-reformer who blames Palestinian suffering entirely on us.

-Ignoring Israelis’ humanitarian folly in providing medical aid to the very terrorists trying to kill them.

-Failing to acknowledge Israel’s immense restraint. Had we been fighting Syria’s Assad regime, by now Gaza would have been flattened — devastated by barrel bombs, poison gas, and other attacks that are far more indiscriminate than Israel’s intelligence-directed strikes. And of course, if Syria were killing us, you’d hardly care. But luckily, we’re dealing with Israel — that country that everyone loves to hate — so we can count on your helpful coverage here.

-Omitting how Israel chose to sacrifice dozens of IDF soldiers when destroying our tunnels and weapons in densely populated areas like Shejaiya because doing so with airstrikes (which risks no soldiers) would have killed many thousands of Palestinians. Your friendly omission of such crucial facts reminds us of how wonderfully you covered Jenin in 2002, when (again) — rather than praise Israel’s humane but costly decision to use ground troops rather than airstrikes — you very helpfully and falsely accused Israel of a massacre during another IDF operation to stop Palestinian terrorist attacks on Israeli civilians.

-Not sharing with your English readers what we openly say in Arabic: that we view any truce as just an opportunity to rearm for our next war against Israel (as our spokesman, Musheer Al Masri, recently declared on TV).

-Not underscoring that Israel can do nothing to make peace with us (after all, Israelis ended their occupation of Gaza in 2005 and we’ve been rocketing them ever since). It’s a bit nervy of Israel to use its border controls to limit our ability to rearm and rebuild cross-border attack tunnels, but — with your help — maybe the next cease-fire will remove Israel’s blockade so that we can more easily replenish our weapons and restore our tunnels for our next attack. And yes, we’re embarrassed that our fellow Arab Muslims in Egypt also choose to blockade us because of the problems that we’ve caused them.

-Not reminding readers, when you mention potential truce arrangements, that world powers are no more capable of ensuring a demilitarized Gaza than they were capable of disarming Hezbollah in south Lebanon.

Seriously, you’ve been AMAZING. Please keep it up!

Love,

Hamas

p.s. Many thanks also to the countless protesters around the world who follow your lead, embolden us, and make us look legit!